If it wasn’t for the satirical nature of the piece, I would have thought that Laura Washington finally chewed through her leash.  (Well, at least I’m hoping it’s satire!)



As a lifelong Caucasian, I am beginning to think the time has finally come to take the right to vote away from white people, at least until we come to our senses. Seriously, I just don’t think we can be trusted to exercise it responsibly anymore.


I give you Exhibit A: The last eight years.


In 2000, Bush-Cheney stole the election, got us attacked, and then got us into two no-exit wars. Four years later, white people reelected them. Is not the repetition of the same behavior over and over again with the expectation of a different outcome the very definition of insanity? (It is, I looked it up.)


Exhibit B is any given Sarah Palin rally.


Exhibit C would be Ed Rendell and John Murtha, who in separate moments of on-the-record candor they would come to regret, pointing out that there are plenty of people in Pennsylvania who just cannot bring themselves to pull the lever for a black man – no matter what they tell pollsters.

Well, obviously!  We’re all racist hillbilly rednecks who cling to their guns and their Bibles and who would never vote for a black guy!  After all, they don’t call it the WHITE House for nuthin’!



These people are ruining things for the rest of us white people who are ready to move on. Sure, they have their reasons, chimerical though they may be: He’s a Muslim. He’s a terrorist. He’s a Muslim terrorist. He’s going to fire all the white people and give their jobs to blacks.


But those are just the little white lies these people allow themselves to be told, a self-induced cognitive dissonance that lets them avoid saying the unsayable: I cannot pull the lever for a black man.

It has nothing at all to do with his redistribution of wealth schemes or his anti-Bill of Rights leanings.  It’s cause he’s a black man!  His skin is dark!  After all, they don’t call it the WHITE House for nuthin’!



That’s why this ban on white people voting I’m proposing has got to be statewide. And I’m sorry to say, it’s going to have to include all white people, even those who would vote for Obama, because you can’t just let some white people vote. That would be unfair.

Because, of course, there’s no other way for a black man to win in racist ole western Pee-Ay!  He’s black!  And the only way to keep him in the race fairly is to ensure that no white person votes!  After all, they don’t call it the WHITE House for nuthin’!



I have broken kielbasa with those people. I went to school with their children. I have gone to Sunday Mass with a deer-hunter hangover with those people. They are bitter with good reason, and they are armed because they are scared. They mean well, but they are easily spooked.


I fear for what is to become of them after the campaigns leave town for the last time, and Scranton and Allentown and Carlisle go back to being the long dark chicken dance of the national soul they were before the media showed up.

Well, I guess after the election is over and they have displayed their negrophobia for all the nation to see, they’ll drag their mulleted, Skoal-ringed asses home to guzzle their Bud Light and lament the sorry state of this nation, satisfied knowing that they did their part in the concentrated effort to try and keep Obama from the presidency. 

After all, they don’t call it the WHITE House for nuthin’!