So the Redhead has this friend. I’ll call her Kneecap. I have no idea why, other than I am looking at my knee while I write this. Kneecap had her wisdom teeth out the other day, and apparently they gave her some pretty damn good drugs! This kid was so high, she could have been eating kitty litter and commenting on how crunchy the cereal was. She and the Redhead got into a text message conversation the other night, and he forwarded it to me.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

Redhead: Hello?

Kneecap: REDHEAD, I HAVE AN EMERGENCY

Redhead: What is it?

Kneecap: NASA took my teeth and sent them to a planet near Chicago with a monkey and no one wants to talk to me because I have no teeth and they’ll judge me like a black person!

Bad NASA!

Kneecap: I want to be Dr. Phil’s friend, but he doesn’t want to be mine.

Redhead: How do you know?

Kneecap: I’m his biggest fan, and I just know he doesn’t want to!

That’s because Dr. Phil is an arrogant, supercilious schmuck who thinks he knows everything. Don’t worry, Kneecap, you don’t want him as a friend anyway. Pick someone cool like Judge Judy!

Kneecap: Do you think I’ll ever get my teeth back? Do you think they’ll ever be back in my face?

Redhead: IDK

Kneecap: WELL FUCK!

Nope! You’re not gonna get them back, kid!

Kneecap: I don’t like it that Dr. Phil doesn’t like me.

It’s all good. That douche doesn’t like anyone. He just likes to pretend to give intelligent advice, but in fact, he’s a drooling ignoramus. Of course, Kneecap is drooling too, but for entirely different reasons.

Kneecap: I’m hungry. I want to eat.

Redhead: Kneecap, you can’t. You just had an operation on your mouth.

Kneecap: It’s not even an operation. They sliced my esophagus!

I like the fact that she can use the word “esophagus” when she’s stoned. That makes it even more funny!

Kneecap: Whats the state that’s DC?

Redhead: It’s not.

Kneecap: Ohhhhhhhh. Weird.

There are DC residents who would agree with her.

Kneecap: Knock knock

Redhead: Who’s there?

Kneecap: hehe Those are so funny

Redhead: Who’s there, though?

Kneecap: Nobody’s there

Redhead: Then how’d they knock?

Kneecap: They ran away

Redhead: So it was a ding dong ditch

Kneecap: Knock knock

Redhead: Who’s there?

Kneecap: Ding dong ditch

Hey, she learns!

Redhead: Hey, wanna talk to Teeny?

Kneecap: Yeah, sure, but can you tell her that my teeth went to NASA?

I’m sure Teeny would be excited to know this.

Kneecap: How did you know my teeth went to NASA?

Redhead: You told me.

Kneecap: I don’t remember that.

This is your brain on drugs.

Kneecap: My favorite word starts with F and ends in UCK. My favorite word is Kneecap! What’d you think I was gonna say?

Redhead: My favorite word starts with S and ends with HIT. What do you think it is?

Kneecap: Fap.

Redhead: Fap?!

Knecap: Yeah. Fapfapfapfapfapfapfap!

What in Zeus’ aching testicle are they teaching these kids in school??  F + UCK doesn’t spell KNEECAP, you illiterates!

Kneecap: I can’t even feel my whole face! Even my ears! *crying* I can’t even feel my head!

…

Kneecap: I’m putting my foot on my window and it feels warm. It feels like Africa. No, like maaaaaadrid!

Kneecap: Why are you in that country that you’re in right now?

Redhead: I’m in Illinois. It’s a state.

Kneecap: Are those like stingrays?

Redhead: No.

Kneecap: You’re obviously drunk or something. It’s a planet!

Oh, Geography! Where art thou?

Kneecap: Do you think NASA will come down to earth and put my teeth back in?

Redhead: If you ask nicely!

Kneecap: Hey, NASA! Will you do that for me? They didn’t answer.

Redhead: Maybe you didn’t do it loud enough!

Kneecap: HEY NASA, WILL YOU PUT MY TEETH BACK?!

You don’t need teeth in outer space. You just suck on those tubes of food all day.

Kneecap: I think that if girls have to shave their girl parts, boys have to shave their boy parts! Redhead, will you shave your boy parts for me?

Redhead: Sure, Kneecap.

Kneecap: NO YOU WON’T! YOU LIED!

Redhead: You’re right.

I’ve always taught him honesty is the best policy.

Kudos to Redhead for keeping his buddy company while she heals from wisdom tooth extraction!