So the government Do Not Call list – much like every other government program – is apparently worthless, because no matter how many times I’ve registered my cell phone with that idiot database, I still get telemarketers calling me at all hours.
I’ve stopped being nice and polite to them. If you’re going to call me on a fucking Sunday morning and wake my ass up, or on a holiday, while I’m having fun with my family, you’re going to feel the full weight of my foul mouth! A few months ago it was some diploma mill that somehow obtained my cell number and was offering me a Master’s Degree. I was polite the first time. “No, thank you. I already have my Master’s degree, so please take me off your list.”
The second time, these fucktards called on a Sunday morning. Same diploma mill, different idiot. He didn’t like my reply.
“Hi, my name is fucktard and I’m with Kaplan univer…”
“Stop right there asshole! I don’t know how you got my number or why you would think that I would use your retarded school for anything other than ridicule and consternation of your so-called graduates, but if you ever call me again – especially on a Sunday morning – AFTER I asked you nicely to remove me from your list – I will take a trip to where you are and beat you with a fucking brick!”
Then there was some dubious mortgage company that called once on a weekend morning. I told them to take a hike and take my number off their list. They called again on Independence Day – at dinnertime – with the same spiel. I may have lost it just a little.
“I told you assholes once to take me off your list, and now you call me again? On a holiday? At fucking dinner? Hang this fucking phone up and forget you ever dialed this number assbag!”
I’ve also been getting an inordinate amount of spam. Again. Today there are 20 spam comments caught in the filter. Luckily, the spam filter on this platform is the most fabulous thing ever, so every single one of these spambot comments gets trapped and zapped. I will say, however, that the comments range from stupid to hilarious to beyond absurd.
Some are simply links for Viagara. Apparently, I have problems maintaining my erection…
Others are the typical, “What a great post! I’m bookmarking for future reference.”
And then there’s this douchenozzle: Hi I am Scott Lee, an analyst, consultant, speaker, strategist and writer on topics related to digital content technology.
So… how about some creative (and hopefully painful) ways of dealing with spammers and telemarketers? Anyone have any ideas?
Mine invariably involve sodomy with cacti, insertion of a tar and broken glass-dipped cricket bat up urethra and slow flaying.