The iPhone 5. I don’t have one. I don’t particularly care about owning one. I was dragged kicking and screaming into the iPhone purchase after my Blackberry began acting like a cranky octogenarian who just ingested a gallon of Colon Blow. I felt like I was assimilated into the Borg Collective. I don’t dislike my iPhone, but to me, it’s a tool. Nothing that gives me a religious experience. I use it for calls, texting, music and emails. Pretty utilitarian overall. Nothing to genuflect over.
That’s why I have a hard time understanding douchenozzles such as this Nick Woodhams, whose entire privileged existence seems to have been irrevocably and traumatically marred by the AT&T store’s treatment of his lily snowflake ass during the launch of the new iPhone.
I was invited into the AT&T store this morning, after a long wait, to purchase my iPhone 5. I avoided looking at the display model iPhones on the way in, and averted my gaze from everyone elses iPhones. I wanted to enrich the experience of opening my own iPhone 5, and make it more special than it already would be. The sales rep retrieved the iPhone I requested…
Then he then proceeded to open the iPhone himself, with his back to me.
My stomach sank. Opening an Apple product is a religious experience. It’s one of the best things about the first day with your shiny new device. He took that from me. I felt like this sales rep had stolen from me. They were stealing from everyone. No one was opening their new iPhone. Is it not supposed to be special anymore?
I finally walk out of the store with my iPhone, and I can tell you unequivocally that they ruined my first impression with the iPhone 5. Having used the phone now for several hours, I love it.. but the way that AT&T handled the launch today was a travesty.
Oh noes! I’m getting a gadget that costs more than the annual per capita income of most third world nations, but I’m upset, because the clerk didn’t let me open my new toy! He ruined my religious experience, and forever scarred my delicate, spiritual psyche! AND HE DROPPED MY CHARGER!
Is this what we’ve come to? Have we run out of starvation, disease, tyrannies, mass murders, illiteracy and other problems, and are now forced to invent first-world problems to feed our needy ennui?
You know what’s a travesty, Nick? Millions of people unemployed. That’s a travesty. Government infringements on our basic rights. That’s a travesty. Hungry kids, incurable diseases, tin-pot dictators killing their own citizens, women getting their genitals mutilated in third-world shitholes, suicide bombers, thousands murdered by terrorists… That’s a travesty!
Some clerk opening your new expensive gadget for you instead of letting you do it DOES NOT QUALIFY!
Is it any wonder I want to go live on a deserted island?