Dear Wal Mart

What. The. Fuck.

What. The. Flying. Fuck.

I got nothing.

12-12-12

Apparently I was too busy having a life yesterday to realize that 12-12-12 was THE day to get married for many couples lemmings, who thought it would be cool.

What’s up with this? Is it an attempt to be original? A way to never forget your wedding anniversary? Or as Rob put it in an email this morning, a way to be cool – like Bieber fans (everyone else thinks it’s cool)?

Whatever the reason, apparently, this was a big day, with thousands of people tying the knot (and even more filing for divorce two years later).

And because I’m way more original, cooler and hipper than all of you, I decided that the best days to get married would be:

• Monkey Day (sometime in December)
• Pig Day (Because pigs are cute, and because they transform into delicious bacon, and… really… who wouldn’t want a bacon-themed wedding?)
• Hedgehog Day (in honor of the dearly-departed Prickles the Hedgehog, who was a really cool pet, and whom we still miss to this day)

Personally, I’d have to vote for Pig Day. Monkey Day just passed, and Hedgehog Day would make me somewhat sad, and I wouldn’t want to be sad on my wedding day, even though Prickles would be watching over me.

Pig Day, on the other hand, would have several benefits.

Bacon. Bacon. Bacon. Bacon flavored dressing on salads. Bacon-wrapped filets and scallops. Bacon nachos. Bacon-wrapped cheese. Bacon loaf. Bacon.

This dress.

And there would be a potbellied pig carrying a basked of fake bacon bits instead of rose petals.

Yeah. Pig Day wedding.

How NOT to get laid

Do not be this guy.

Just a little advice from The Liberty Zone.

Your awesome dog video for today

Meet Loca the Singing Pug, who can’t feckin’ run.

There’s nothing more awesome (aside from a large, drooling, farting St. Bernard, of course) than a pug from Belfast, Ireland who sings.

 

A job opportunity

Had it with the Obama unemployment?

Can’t find a job in this Obama economy?

Got a criminal record?

Wanna get your hate on?

No worries! Here’s a job opportunity just for you! OK, maybe not quite an opportunity… more like a membership, but still… I’m amused.

The climb to membership in the feared Aryan Brotherhood of Texas prison gang isn’t just about getting inked with racially charged tattoos and obeying underworld orders, but also includes a stipulation that gangster prospects show government-issued proof of their criminal credentials.

Recruits are required to provide their FBI-issued rap sheets, replete with a list of arrests, convictions and sentences, according to court records and law enforcement authorities. The documents amount to résumés of bad deeds and have come up repeatedly during a four-year investigation that sent several dozen of the gang’s soldiers, leaders and associates to prison for drug trafficking, murder, assault and other crimes. While the gang – which was born in the Texas prison system in the 1980s and operates statewide – tolerates drug dealers, killers and kidnappers among its ruffian ranks, there is no room for child molesters or rapists, officials say.

Even racist, murdering scumbags have their standards! Jerry Sandusky need not apply.

DISCLAIMER: I know how completely immune some are to sarcasm, so this is for you who are humorly-challenged: I’M KIDDING!!!!  I DON’T ADVOCATE MEMBERSHIP IN THE ARYAN BROTHERHOOD OR ANY OTHER KIND OF RACIST / CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION!

Sheesh! It’s hard to believe I even need to put this up there, but in these strange times… who knows!