A Deal Where No One Will Be Happy

In a blind sprint to avoid what many are calling a “fiscal cliff” I’m hearing rumbles that the douchebags in Washington are “weeks away from a deal.”

Both sides have struck cooperative tones since Obama’s re-election. Even so, he and House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, the GOP’s pivotal bargainer, have spent most of the past two years in an acrid political climate in which both sides have fought stubbornly to protect their constituencies.

Translation: the Democrats are gloating about a mandate, and the clueless, feckless Republicans are trying to prove themselves inclusive “team players,” who are willing to sacrifice everything they stand for.

So the sides will agree on a deal where “the rich” will be just a bit more out upon, even though they already pay four times as much in federal taxes as the middle class. And these rich won’t be the multi billionaires who get much of their earnings from investment income that is taxed at a lower rate. These will be the “small” millionaires – ones who have probably scraped their way to that bracket, worked long hours, gone to school, and sacrificed a lot. And these will be those nasty, rich business owners who have sacrificed their entire lives. And they will be those damn doctors, who worked like hell in college and medical school, who slept two hours every two days in order to become experts in their field, to be able to save the lives of those who claim they’re entitled to not just dictate by government force how much the doctors should charge for their work, but also take more of their earnings. But hey, they have more to loot than the average guy, so why not. It’s not like they’ll miss it, right?

But I digress. I’m sure there will be some spending cut compromises, where the politicians will diligently ensure that the pork still flows to their districts – pork that funds superfluous defense projects the Pentagon doesn’t even want, and pork that funds tattoo removal, incentivizes adoption of rabid possum and builds infrastructure no one uses.

Don’t worry. Useless crap will survive. HUD, HHS, EPA, DOE and other worthless, bloodsucking bureaucracies will still exist. Entitlements for which the recipients paid X and will receive 3X during the span of their entitled lives will continue to suck away half of the federal budget. You will still get your goodies at the expense of the rest of us.

The military will still get its Chevy Volts (let’s hope they don’t catch fire while charging) – after all, GM needs sales, and they aren’t getting any the good ole fashioned way – by making a quality, reasonably priced product that people actually want to buy.

And we’ll still be in debt, which will likely continue to exceed 100 percent of our GDP through at least 2020.

But gosh! The politicians will have worked together to reach a consensus! By all means, elect them again, America! After all, they will have worked together to slow this country’s descent into economic mire. They deserve your vote yet again. They will have cobbled together a deal with which no one is happy, but they will have done so together, so it’s OK.

By all means, America, focus on bullshit issues such as whether or not your politicians agree with your social views, even though they haven’t and shouldn’t have anything to do with the federal government. Continue to harp on gay marriage, and other social issues. Pretty soon you’ll have nothing with which to purchase food for your family, except food stamps, because the leeches in Washington will have stolen your earnings and destroyed your will to achieve. But hey, you stood by your principles and voted for Dumbshit McHatethehomos because he’s for “traditional” marriage.

And by all means, continue voting for compromisers who will work together with the tax-and-spenders to slow the rate of government growth. Notice I didn’t say “reduce the size of government,” because that’s not even on their radar.

And in the end you’ll wind up with a deal where no one is happy, but in true communist fashion, you will know that it’s better to have everyone equally miserable than risk one group being happier than another.

About those defense cuts…

The one thing that any sovereign nation needs is a strong defense force. We need to effectively protect our borders, ensure our national security abroad and take care of our wounded warriors. Of course, we also need to balance the federal checkbook. But how can it be done with all these competing priorities?

To be sure there are cuts to be made.

There are weapon systems, aircraft, etc. the Pentagon doesn’t even want, but Congress keeps forcing the DoD to purchase them. For instance, in 2010 the DoD told Congress it needed no more C-17 transport aircraft. “We have enough C-17s,” said Mike McCord, the principal deputy undersecretary of defense (comptroller). “Money spent on things we don’t need takes away from those we do need.” So what did Congress do?

Along with Mr. McCord, Maj. Gen. Susan Y. Desjardins, the director of strategic plans for Air Mobility Command, and Alan Estevez, the principal deputy assistant secretary of defense for logistical and materiel readiness, repeated Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates’ position against the purchase of more C-17 Globemaster IIIs to the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs’ federal financial management subcommittee.

All three defense officials agreed with the subcommittee’s leaders, Sens. Thomas Carper and John McCain, that the C-17, in addition to the C-5 Galaxy, has been critical to airlift in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan. However, they said, the military’s current fleet of 223 C-17s and 111 C-5s is more than enough airlift capability for years to come.

A department study that concluded in February was consistent with two other studies that found that the current fleet is sufficient “even in the most demanding environments” to take the military through 2016, Mr. McCord said.

The oldest plane in the transport fleet, Lockheed’s C-5, will be viable until 2025, and the fleet as a whole should last until 2040, he said.

The department has not requested C-17s, built by Boeing, since the fiscal 2007 budget, yet Congress has added them every year since, spending about $1.25 billion on C-17s “that we don’t want or need,” said Mr. McCord, who was a 21-year staff member of the Senate Armed Services Committee before his current appointment.

And why would that be? Well, in this case, I’d have to agree with (GASP!) Think Progress and say: Lobbying.

As Congressional Quarterly pointed out, Congress’ insistence on funding a plane the Pentagon doesn’t want is “due in no small part to the lobbying efforts of Boeing Co., which builds the planes in California, Missouri, Georgia, Connecticut and elsewhere.”

Hmmmm. I wonder whose districts those are!

And then there was the F-35 boondoggle.

Condemned as a $450 million-a-year boondoggle earmark from House leaders who represent General Electric jet engine workers, supporters on the GOP-controlled House Armed Services Committee yesterday included a provision in the fiscal 2012 Pentagon spending bill that would force the department to continue the dueling engine programs for the Joint Strike Fighter.

Section 215 of the markup from the tactical air and land forces committee, however, does not include any funding. Instead, it limits spending for improvements to the F-35 Lightning II propulsion system, now focused only on Pratt & Whitney engines, unless the secretary of defense continues with the General Electric engine project.

A committee spokesman said that the panel continues to feel that having Pratt & Whitney and GE-Rolls Royce continue competing to supply the F-35 engine will save money and provide a better product.

Today there’s this: in one of the more ridiculous moves I’ve seen lately, the DoD is purchasing 1500 Chevy Volts. Not even kidding. In an effort to “green up” the military support faltering Government Motors sales and minimize their losses, the military is now buying a bunch of these idiot vehicles! It certainly doesn’t matter that the public has no desire to purchase these potential death traps, which may or may not have a tendency to catch fire when left plugged in. The government will force you to pay for them anyway – and purchase a whole lot of them at the bargain price of $49,000 per tin can!

And there’s, of course, the Navy’s “green fleet,” which purchases biofuels at nearly $27 per gallon in an effort to prop up the current administration’s environmental policies, no doubt.

Meanwhile…

Military retirees’ health care costs are getting jacked up. So much for not balancing the budget on the backs of military veterans, eh?

The Marines will cut four battalions and 12 air squadrons, as it cuts 20,000 personnel to meet budgetary constraints.

And more than a million jobs could be lost as a result of looming cuts.

We have a priorities problem. Cutting budgets is not the issue.

Buying stupid, politically correct, unneeded crap is the problem.

Shit government shouldn’t be doing

There are (at least to me) some very obvious things out of which the government should keep its proboscis.  You may agree or disagree about gun control, health care, education, any number of entitlement programs that keep indolent assholes on the dole, make local and state entities beholden to the Feds, etc.

But I can’t imagine you guys would disagree on the following utter ridiculosity!

I think the US Olympic team uniforms are just butt ugly. They make our athletes look like rejects from a private school. But do we really need Harry Reid out there screeching about them being made in China and demanding they be burnt? And worse yet, suggesting that all the athletes wear unitards? (read: tights)  While I agree that our uniforms should have been manufactured here – just on damn principle – the Olympic Committee is a private entity, and it is free to do whatever the bloody hell it wants. And don’t you have a budget to pass or something, Harry?

Why the bleeding, oozing, stinking fuck was Congress involved in this whole baseball steroid mess? Why did they waste time with Roger Clemens? Once again, I ask – didn’t they have a budget to pass or something? What, did they already solve the nation’s problems? So soon?

Someone want to tell me why Orrin Hatch and Max Baucus stuck their collective dicks into the BCS? College football is  a game, douchebags.  Don’t you have better things to do?

Why the bleeding hell did they get involved in the NFL “Bounty” issue? Why? Luckily, they “magnanimously” backed off, claiming “Because of that willingness to address the issue, and due to the reforms the league is announcing after meeting with me today, I will withhold Congressional hearings on this matter and continue to work with the league and its players to ensure the league’s rules are sufficient and that nothing like these bounty programs ever happens again.”  BAD,NFL! You’d better straighten up or Dick Durbin will spank your collective asses! Because they’re Congress, and they’re your fat momma, who inserts herself into your business, despite the fact that you’re a grownup and do not require her meddling.

Oh and boxing? Really? Have we solved every outstanding issue in this country? Are we now so free of responsibilities and aching for something to do that we need to get involved in fuggin’ BOXING, Congress?

Internet regulation! I don’t like piracy any more than you do, but Holy Toenail Fungus in a Sweater! Does Congress really need to get involved?

Internet gambling!  What the hell is Congress doing trying to save us from ourselves?

Spending money on this shit.  This list is amazing. Among the 30 douchebaggy things that your government is spending money on is $175,587 “to determine if cocaine makes Japanese quail engage in sexually risky behavior,” $200,000 on “a tattoo removal program” in Mission Hills, California, 2.6 million dollars to train Chinese prostitutes to drink responsibly, $1.8 million was spent on a “museum of neon signs” in Las Vegas, Nevada, and my favorite:  $800,000 in “stimulus funds” to study the impact of a “genital-washing program” on men in South Africa

Marriage. Why the hell should it matter to the federal government whether two guys (or girls) want to form a union? What gives the federal government the authority to tell individuals what to do with their lives or whether they can spend their lives together “legally?”  Do us all a favor and stay the fuck out of private matters, assholes.

And pass a bloody budget already!