From TSO on Facebook this morning:
Has your life been listless and without meaning lately? Have you been waiting for that spark that would re-ignite your love of life? Well, wait no longer, I am about to open nominations for the General Ballduster McSoulpatch Memorial Stolen Valor Tournament where the worst 64 reprobates in Stolen Valor recent history will compete for being named the world champion phony. Can you feel the excitement? (Poe is a 2-1 favorite, Ron “Gunny Driveway” Mailahn comes in at 1-3 odds.)
And open nominations he did! Welcome to the General Ballduster McSoulpatch Memorial Stolen Valor Tournament Nomination Thread at This Ain’t Hell.
This is where each year, douchebags who lied about their military service and honors get the dubious honor of being recognized and competing for the Top Prize: the ridicule and consternation of everyone around them.
There are rumblings that Tim Poe will be stiff competition this year. However, I find Poe pathetic and rage-inducing, and not at all entertaining. Ergo, my vote (and my nomination) for this year’s General Ballduster McSoulpatch Memorial Stolen Valor Tournament is Jonathon the Cock Inhaler Sharkey!
Who could possibly forget the comparison to the bastard child of Guy Fawkes and Ron Jeremy?
Or TSO’s brilliant recap of the Cock Inhaler’s less than stellar career highlights?
Having the worst record as a candidate for public service I have ever seen: Although his status as a loser extends far beyond the political realm, this jackass has so far run for President twice, Congress in three different states, and governor of two states. He’s probably the only douche that could lose a debate to a mute.
He claims to be a Vampire, living on the blood of his mistresses and girlfriends: There is no way this round mound of hirsute jackassery got that rotund on blood. Seriously, go look at this picture and tell me this fat balding ball of fug got that fat from blood. Dude must be drinking it with a couple of hundred donuts. He looks like a Mr Potatohead with My Pretty Pony hair glued to it’s head.
He threatened to “impale” President Bush: Clearly not a real threat, as one could low crawl away from Hey Kool-Aid guy here, and just wait for his inevitable cardiac arrest. This guy is roughly as imposing as girl scouts selling cookies in front of Target. Which is ironic, because underage women are apparently all he can get.
He likes to essentially kidnap troubled underage girls: Dude, when you look like that, you have to go for the underage vampire chicks. First rule of being a fat, pasty, balding has-been is to go with what you know. It’s like fishing with dynamite, or hunting at the petting zoo, if that’s all you can do, you go with it. Problem here is that it is of course illegal. Naturally, he’s had plenty of problems with the law…
He likes to stalk: Which is ironic, because the the thought of this fatass sneaking up on anyone has me giggling. It’d be like Juraissic Park…there you are drinking your iced tea on the porch, and suddenly you see it sloshing back and forth. Earthquake? No, just that fat kid toucher trying to sneak up on the neighbors again. BTW- Is that a pterodactyl on your head, or plugs Mr. Impaler?
How can anyone wonder why this rancid, overstuffed satchel of week-old diarrhea has my vote?
Now go vote. Vote early and vote often. And may the biggest douche win (I think the Cock Inhaler has that one in the bag just by the tonnage alone!)